Tuesday, March 2, 2010

All this started from the first day...

So it all started with the first day of school... back from vacation.

I was ushered to the 4th floor of my school, a place only known to me as the location of the "nurse," "doctor," or "hospital" as my students called it. Upon walking up the four flights of stairs, I didn't even see the nurse's station, and was rather swept into the large auditorium, with speakers already blaring with the school official's voice.

1600 Korean high schoolers in their matching uniforms and one stage... one that I apparently need to go stand up on... bow... and wait for the applause or derisive "boos" from students...

I wait, trying not to worry about the bowing outcome, until, inevitably, it's my turn to stand with the "new" teachers on the stage. The beloved principal (ack) starts reading the names aloud. The students and teachers applaud respectfully, since they are actually new teachers and no one knows them. The principal slips up once he gets to me in the line.. and simply introduces me as the "wonamin sansangnim (foreign teacher)" and I actually get an enthusiastic applause. It must have been my faithful 6 from winter camp... and yet...

The applause lifted my spirits and gave me hope for a better semester this time around.

It also made me extremely nostalgic for these moments of big applause during high school. Winning the mock trial state competition and being deemed best lawyer. Performing muse at the Inglemoor talent show. Getting into scripps. And, even, once in college, getting my grant to bring me to Korea.

So where's my big win now? Getting applause from my students on the first day of school? I don't feel nearly as successful as I did with these other achievements.

I reflect back on that final mock trial battle. I feel that aside from the judges' comments about the level of thought and debate about the opening and closing statements, witness directs, crosses, and redirects, the comment that I still remember from the judges was that I helped an opposing team member during his closing statement set up the easel that wouldn't stand up to shaky hands and nervousness. I explicitly remember watching the easel's ledge tilting dangerously before thinking it was indecent to leave him hanging while he was obviously struggling to keep it cool. I wasn't preoccupied with the points or winning. I wasn't thinking about the judges. It was all just being that persona I was striving to be all-trial long. It was the only thing TO do. That was what seemed to have won the judges over in the end and led to my award.

As a teacher, I thought it would come more naturally. Being a lawyer, I thought, was much further from my character, so I practiced and practiced and practiced. But I've been tutoring since high school. TA'ing ever after. How could teaching be going so much worse than mock trial?

This year, I want my teaching to have a more natural grace. I want to be able to follow instincts like helping set up the easel and having it all work out. I don't expect a shiny medal, but I do want to claim the same satisfaction... that I CAN teach, and that it's THE right pursuit for me now. Maybe I just need to move my class to a courtroom...

(Can you guess I am feeling overwhelmed by the job search and wondering if teaching is the career for me?)